My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sext me about skeletons
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
