I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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