I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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