Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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