I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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