I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
