Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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