so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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