how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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