If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
