Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
