i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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