from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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