she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
