I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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