is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
