If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
