i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I booty called her while she was in labor.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize