Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
