Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
