I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
