the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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