So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
