Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
