well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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