Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
