she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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