He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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