you guys were way drunker than both of me
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i need some magic done to my vagina
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
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