Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
