thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
