Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
