Acid is not a monday night drug
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Drake has all the answers
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize