I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
