i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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