shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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