I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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