Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
