Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
