I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
