I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
