so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
