The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
