I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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