What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
