Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
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Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
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woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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