That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I am naked and annoyed.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
