are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
