I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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