I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
