Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
