I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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