Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize