Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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