Don't make out with my wife yet
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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