I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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