why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
