i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
